Before i got MS I was in training to teach aerobics. This was never in my future in my head - I was thinking of helping other overweight women to see how easy ity was to lose it and find fun in food and fitness... I wanted to tach and to be a personal trainer - I would have been a great tax payer and made good money - Had this not come along and trashed my dreams.
And yet I read what scum I am to this govt - Like I planned this - No way! Fitness was my life. I still grieve for being able to run and jump and walk and do so many things I cannot do now
~Anonymous comment to the TBofB BlogAnd yet I read what scum I am to this govt - Like I planned this - No way! Fitness was my life. I still grieve for being able to run and jump and walk and do so many things I cannot do now
42 comments:
Me too, I get waves of grief for the life I will never live, the things I can never do, the family I will never have. I was also training - in my second year of a 4 year privately run psychotherapy training course, paid for by myself, and like you, hoping to use my skills to help others. Then I got ill.
People just don't realise it can happen to anyone at anytime. Suddenly your life is turned upside down and all your hopes and plans dashed.
Do they really think this is how we want to be living?!!
*blushes* Wish you had fixed my typos
I grieve for the life i had and could have now - It is not easy to accept that every thing in your life is different - Then to be also told what scum you are adds more insult to injury
In a short sentence --- I miss - ME!
And vanity wise i miss my muscles :-|
I feel you; I was a weight-lifter before all this laid me well low and if I had a pound for every time I got the patronising smirk of how "If you just lost weight/stopped eating junk, you'd be fine" speech ....argh.
I didn't "do this to myself"; disability did it for me, and as much as I'd like to be Miracle-Disabled-Woman who goes back to weightlifting in order to make a feel-good piece to close the evening news with, my joints have other ideas. This is where I am at, and this is where I remain. And no, I don't like it.
Sorry Anonymous - ye olde brain fog is kicking my tail and Im in a lot of pain.... didnt see any typos lol xxx
myself enjoyed sports even more playing games with family and like you i am just work shy scum not just to the government but to the people who i class as normal, i hate it causes me endless sleepless nights and lots of arguments with partner
I think until it is removed from you - You would never be able to know the utter joy of freedom of movement. When you can run it is automatic - When you can jump it is just something you always did - The... These simple 'pleasures' are removed from yourself and you grieve as if you have lost a person - Because you HAVE lost a person - You ahve lost yourself - The you you once knew - the you who was whole and whose body did wht they asked of it. I do feel for people who were born unable to do things - feel lucky that I KNEW what it was like to feel the freedom of movement - simple running for a bus etc - I feel for people who never felt that joy - Movement is a joy - a joy I miss dreadfully.
In losing myself i found a new person whom I do quite like - But - I don't believe i will ever get over losing 'me' Am seeing a therapist about somethin like this soon unless NHS cuts stop it... I believe good things can sometimes come from bad things But I also believe making me out to be scum in the eyes of this govt because my body gave out on me by NO FAULT OF MY OWN is heartless and inhumane.
I wanted so much to teach and to give to the world the gift I had found. now i have not enough spoons to even get myself through a day. Yet this Govt have demonised me as a scum-filled person who made all this up - They get ATOS in to tell me I am fine - When my Neuro seems suddenly unable to tell anything as ATOS know more??????
I felt self worth once. Now I just feel doom for my future, and tha is thanks to the way I am treated by the govt and the DWP etc
If the govt actually loked further inside of the stories - They weoulf see we are HUMANS - we have feelings and needs. And many of us HAD futures we could see - and feel at our fingertips.
Needing help to survive does not make you scum - Being demonised by papers and govts is what makes me feel like scum - In fear of just my own survival.
Thank you cameron and clegg - You took away the last bit of self worth I was clinging to.
i was a very good golfer you see and to some extent a selfish one, My work also took me around the globe as well as GB but never really cared too much for other people's feelings and i guess that's what hurts, the kindness i get from people now is amazing if its to do with my disability then that's their issue,My own story can be told around the campfires till the end of time but will not get rid of thease Fxxxin diseases. I currently volunteer helping disabled people get training it brings me so much joy and also pain because i know that i will struggle to survive
Can i just ask are we all doing enough, how can we be heard more not just by politicians but normal people as well, cause it can happen to anyone and if this message is put across in such a way then the support could be humungus
Zimmie, there are a lot of campaigns which TBofB have been doing on a regular basis - so yes, there's been a lot going on with Twitter Storms and Blogs and articles in the Guardian, etc; the issue of course is there are people which can be reached, and people who just refuse to be reached no matter what. But if you come up with an idea, then share it and I'm sure the folks will try and take it up
I agree people need to be reached to why not turn it around on the media and have a TV documentry (may have been done before) what i mean is people with various disabilities actually telling the audience what its like to be disabled and the barriers they face not just from leading normal lives but the issues they have with everyday existence. It may change peoples opinions who knows
Just read this on FB - LOL
The government today announced that it's changing it's emblem to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while your actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!
Lol, Come to think of it can they get the right size for their ego's
Atos Healthcare pulls out of NHS contract
A private company that won a 10-year contract to run a failing GP surgery in east London has pulled out after three years. Doctors are warning that it is a taste of things to come. By
I wish ATOS would pull out of all contracts - The DWP one especially
Why should they making enough money out of the pain and suffering of others as well as countless millions of the Govt
Apart from the above - I am acually waiting to be contacted by the Physical Disability Psychology Service, as even after 8yrs I am still grieving for the ME that I was back then. IN so many ways I guess I have become accustomed to the fatigue and the pain - It is 'normal life' in so many ways though I still feel like I am a prisoner in this body that is defective and has let me down bit time. I had found such joy in fitness, I wanted to achicve so much - I wanted to free women from the cycle that is dieting, and show them the joys I had found. Show them how food can be their friend and not their enemy.
There have been positives in 'losing myself' I am a better person. I am not so shallow now. Though I am no longer able to do aerobics, or to dance or to jump or run. I am still a better person But I still miss ME.
I wish that people out there could understand what it is like to hold within their hands what I had - muscles that were strong and fit (I was sad I would just sit and watch my thigh muscle flex. sad - but true) I enjoyed having strength - Having fitness. I loved the feeling of achievment - I worked hard for those muscles (I have no muscle now - wasted away) I felt such a high of going from someone who only turned to food to fill the void - To someone who knew that the void could be filled with the joy of fitness and Life and living.
I guess now - MS has taken all that from me and I need desperately to fill that void within myself. Fitness was my life, it saved my life. I can get over losing my left hand working. I can kind of get over losing my balance to a point. I cannot get over losing the ability to move my body, to feel my heartbeat speeed up and to feel that feeling after a great workout. Now - I feel drained and fatigued ALL the time, all day every day. My body hurts for no reason, such is MS.
I am lucky, Back then I could have had a terminal disease so I tell myself I am lucky.
But I miss ME and I miss the me I would have been now - I could have given this gift to so many - But now - I no longer have the energy to even deal with a normal day. I dont have the energy to cook a decent meal.
Remember when you were little and you had so much energy and you ran and laughed and jumped and it was all a joy. Remember how the days were filled with laughter.
Remember as a teenager you could see so much ahead of you in life. You could imagine all those things you could be.
Memories - And dreams. I know I will never run again. I know I will never be able to do things like I could. I know my hand will never work properly again.
But I have to tell myself I am lucky to have my life. Or the thoughts that would enter my head I dare not think about.
I used to love lifting weights. It was such a relaxing thing to me (not 100lb weights tho LOL)
I wanna be able to flex a muscle and see it's there again - LOL - I am so sad. LOL
I think that the Govt should take on board that many many of us did nothing to get these maladies - They just arrived out of nowhere.
I grieve. It's 8.5 years and still I grieve. If ATOS could give me back what I lost I would be so happy - I would RUN to the local gym to rebuild myself - Oh the joy and the fun of doing that - I know it sounds silly but when you have found your true calling - It is so hard to have to leave it behind you. My calling was in fitness. When i was almost 19st I did not know this. After I lost the weight i found a strength in me I never knew I had. I found a joy I never thought I could ever have - me - fit - me - happy - me - joyous in working out... ME!
Part2
Thats just what I miss.
I know nobody will read this now (time went by so I'm still talking to myself LOL) That is OK - cos nobody can 'fix' me. Every suposed cure for MS is not a cure. I know one day there might be a cure - That would be fabulous! But - Could this 'cure' regenerate the nerves that were damaged and lost - repair the damaged myelin? If not then I do not see how it can be a cure for me - when too many nerves are damaged. If my nerves came back to life my arm would come back to working. If my nerves worked my balance would be restored.
Ahhhhhh I am dreaming now arent I.
That is where I can truly live now - In my dreams.
It took so very very long to write that, then i thought to myself - I have no friends - They left when my malady had no name.
Not a wonder I only live within my deeams
Well i am reading it so thats one person. We all have to give up something sooner rather than later, but we dont expect it to be our health, Like yourself i had to re evaluate my life and it has come at a price failing relationship to name but one. But would i change things you know i cant say for certain that i would because it has opened my eyes to a whold new world a world where there are still plenty of injusticies a world where people still crave for a meal and a drink of water. Atos and the govt are there to test our resolve we will not go away. so dont be sad
Are you still there anon?
come on anon, i am concerned about you, just tell me your ok
I lost the link to the page - couldnt remember where I put it - LOL
Sorry. I always have to go to bed real early as my spoons run out.
Sorryyyyyyy
Spoons ah yes now i know what your on about. I was just concerned tht's all. Do you have a first name Anon?.
Yes the name is An - On - LOLOL
Sorry had to say that one.
I wish this govt didnt view us spoonies as such scum. It makes me feel like a nothing. Tho I also wish there was a cure and I could tell the govt to go (&)^(*( - well - You know
I hope you had a good wweekend
Hi, Weekend was tiring as ever failed to complete anything i had planned!! always next time i spose.
As for the Govt they are not going to change their minds unless the worst happens to a few people, its the non disabled we need to get on our side more than ever, i have managed to convince a few and that has only been through them seeing me at my absolute worst.
As for a cure for both of us... although mine will not kill me it will shorten my life by about 10yrs so iv'e had to change the age i see the man from 100 to 110
Tell me about your weekend
I actually went out!!! I stayed with a friend I hadnt seen for 2yrs and we sat and talked and now I am so exhausted it will take me a week to get over it. We didnt go out on the town or anything and I went to bed at 9 something every night! I just get v tired ya know. But it was so lovely to see her. She cooked for me every day (3 days) and I seem to have eaten tons but lost 3lb according to scales today - Very weird! Friend said I am too thin. Hmmm
Its hard i know but there is so much you can do? i have just started reading again after 2 yrs it dont seem a lot but to me its a victory. I also volunteer when feeling well enough at a disabled resource centre and the joy i get well it leaves me speechless and to think i was in a well paid job and never had so much enjoyment.
Cheer up Anon there is people worse off than ourselves and i have seen them. Oh and by the way the sun is shining again
Reading just makes me more tired and my eyes ache. Today I went to the dentist for checkup (a day out!) LOL
Its been raining here, but in between was sunny :-)
Tomorrow June starts - Maybe the summer is coming, I hope it isnt too hot LOL
Hope you have had a good day
I had a needle day bloods & Gold, then spent most of day in garden reading (lee child) have you heard of him?.
So you had a day at the dentist, do you have to be mindfull of the drugs you take if you need work on your teeth.
I like the heat would be better if there was a beach and swimming pool just outside the door though.
Can i ask what part of the world you are from
No I have not heard of him and I dont think I have to be mindful of dental drugs (I had nothing done was a check up)
I am in the south east :-)
South east is that on the coast.
Cause if it is im jealous already
Kind of but I am in a town tho - No beaches within maybe 40mins of me (I think LOL)
Where are you?
Birmingham, although my heart yearns for the sound of waves, and seagull poo all over the place and the smell of seaweed LOL. No serious i am a water person feel at peace when around it.
Anon, Can i suggest that we e mail rather than use the blog if that's acceptable to you
How woul you do that without pttting email addy online?
not sure i understand your last comment Anon?
How do i email you without one of us putting our email on here for the world to see?
we are already out there Anon i do not have an issue with it at all.
Thats why I am anon - Dont want spam and stuff.
Understand what you are saying Anon, My e Mail is threeblue@live.co.uk if you would like to mail me
:-)
Thanks Anon
Post a Comment